Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
