It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
