Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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