Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
