I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
