Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize