no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
