I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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