There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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