Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am naked and annoyed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
