so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
