It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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