If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
