My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
