i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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