here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
