if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She even gives head with a lisp.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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