Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
