I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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