Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
