and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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