Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
