She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
