There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
