When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize