Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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