Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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