Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
