You can't special order awesome
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
