Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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