I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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