70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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