yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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