YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
