Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
