the condom got lost in my hair
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize