May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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