Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
