oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
