I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
