she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize