worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
