the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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