I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am naked and annoyed.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
