Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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