i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
