I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
