i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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