my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
