Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i came on her dog
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
