Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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