Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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