Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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