Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think a kid would responsible me up
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
