She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
