I wish my penis had an off switch
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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