my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
