my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
