Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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