I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize