never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
