you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
