we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
