YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
