Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
