the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize