Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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