who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
