You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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