You just made me feel so damn special
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
