Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
