I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize