apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
