I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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