why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
