I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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