you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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