You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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