I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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