I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize