Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
