He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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